dual*ities

This morning, I received this text from my good friend Tin: “I just finished lighting a candle for Nanay at St. Jude…It’s amazing how much I miss her even after 4 years.”

“Nanay” here pertains to a dear, dear friend who has become a big part of the lives of many people I know. Her name was Rose. She passed away on February 28, 2001, a couple of hours after serving as a Eucharistic Minister in the community Ash Wednesday Mass at ADMU. She was 33 years old.

I did not get to light any candles for Nanay today. Nor was I able to attend the commemorative mass that was offered in her honor. But I remembered her in my own little way. Waxing a bit nostalgic this evening, I digged up an old issue of the now extinct JVPFI external newsletter Pagkukusa—the one entitled “Paggunita: Remembering Rosemarie M. Cabrera (July 22, 1967-February 28, 2001)". As I read through the pages, I relived the pain, the shock, the confusion, and then, eventually, the hope, that the JVP community and many others felt as an effect of her death. An editorial, which I forgot I had written, perhaps sums up the entire experience (at least from my standpoint):

"On the road to recovery, and just as things were taking on a brighter hue, the JVP community suffered the momentous loss in the passing away of Executive Director and dear friend Rose Cabrera, or simply Rosing to many of us. But as days passed and memories of how Rosing lived her life enveloped us, what stayed with us were not the struggles and the pain, but the overwhelming love that she has shown us during her lifetime. Somehow, knowing that she has left is with many good works to carry on, gives us the strength to move on. “Always believe in the morning after”, Rosing would say. And we did. Thus, amidst the mourning, a glimmer of hope begins for JVP and for the many other people whose lives she has touched. And Rose’s legacy of love continues."

And so, I remembered. Again. But what came back so vividly to me was not so much the pain or the loss, but the love and the hope that surrounded all those who bore witness to the event. In the end, I guess that’s precisely Rose’s final “pabaon”…her ultimate “habilin” to all those who have been part of her journey. The triumph of love amidst the sacrifices. The hope of a “morning after” amidst the darkness. She believed in these. And as long as we believe in these too, the spirit of Rose will always be alive and burning in each one of us.

Of course, that could mean, too, that we will go on missing Rose for another 4, 14, or 40 x 4 years. But that, I guess, is the whole point of it all—that is, to go on missing her and remembering her. That way, we can constantly remind ourselves of what she stands for. And that, perhaps, will give us something to continually learn from and aspire for.

i've been tagged by anj, and am thrilled to join the fun. thanks anj!

Random 10

1) YOU GOT TO BE by Desiree

I just love the message of this song. It’s like a Reality 101 course in the music world, yet at the same time, it’s so empowering as well. And the best thing about it is that it ends with a message of hope. “All I know, all I know is love will save the day…”

2) IF I AIN’T GOT YOU (Remix) by Alicia Keys and Usher

When Alicia Keys and Usher come together to make music, wonderful things are bound to happen! Can anyone spell soulful?

3) I TRY by Macy Gray

I’m not too fond of love songs, but the first time I saw Macy Gray perform this piece on Saturday Night Live years ago, I immediately took to “I Try”. Ms. Gray has got some "attitude," if you know what I'm saying . And when you sing one of her songs, you can’t help but acquire a bit of that attitude too.=)

4) HARANA by Parokya / The AKAFellas

There are a lot of “memories” attached to this song—from my ACIL days to my JVP years and beyond. Plus of course, the AKAFellas’ rendition of it gave a whole new twist and “feel” to the song. So yeah, it’s all good.

5) STUCK IN A MOMENT by U2

This is the ultimate JVP Re-entry song! It reminds me of a conversation that Kaladkarin had with her mom a couple of months after Batch 19’s YearEnd. It went something like this:

Mom: Nasaan ka ba ngayon?

Kaladkarin: Nasa JVP session.

Mom: Ha…hindi pa ba natatapos iyan?

Kaladkarin: Ma, hindi naman ito matatapos eh…

Harhar. Talk about being “stuck”…for life.

6) PANALANGIN by the APO Hiking Society

This song makes me think of the Pathways gang's impromptu video-oke session that splendid night in October, in the midst of a big national event that was being hosted by Pathways. I can still almost hear the Pathways peeps singing “Panalangin” on top of their voices, and letting it all loose! That was definitely one of the fun-nest nights I’ve ever had in Pathways.=) Never mind that we sang the song(s) a little (or a LOT?) off-key. Hehe.

7) NAÏVE by Beyonce feat. De Brat at Solange

I like the rhythm of this Beyonce song. It will make you want to grroooove too.=)

8) YELLOW by Coldplay

This song is a bit cryptic. I was never quite certain what “yellow” alludes to in the song. But I guess that’s why it appeals to me. I like cryptic. Hahaha.

9) ONE HUNDRED YEARS by Five for Fighting

This is one of those “cycles of life” songs. And I’m such a sucker for songs with that theme. Thanks mucho to Bonita for introducing me to this Five for Fighting single.

10) NOYPI and MASAYA by Bamboo

Aside from the fact that Bamboo has been making an appearance in my Now Playing List every so often lately, the band will also be featured in a concert entitled "Pinoy Tayo!" on March 4, for the benefit of JVPFI. So yeah, these songs are getting the nod from me these days. (Please forgive the shameless plug. Hehe.)

What is the total amount of music files in your computer?

My computer says 1.54 GB, but that’s comprised mostly of music files that I had to rip ‘coz I don’t have them on CD.=) If I have the songs on CD, I try not to save them on my computer, unless they’re really, really big favorites of mine. I need to save space for other stuff eh.

What was the last CD that you bought?

It’s been quite a while since I actually bought a music CD for myself. Luckily, my friends are generous enough to let me borrow theirs. Hehe. More generous still are those who actually bought CDs for me.=) Hurray for my friends! But I think one of the last ones I bought was the Seattle’s Best Jazz collection.

What was the last song you listened to before reading this message/entry?

Currently playing is Matchbox 20’s Push.

Write down 5 songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you.

1) THIS YEAR by Chantal Kreviazuk

I have adopted this to become sort of my “theme song” at the beginning of the year. It serves as a reminder of my promise to myself to make this an incredible year! And I’m doing fine in keeping that promise so far.=)

2) BIG YELLOW TAXI by Joni Mitchell

This is like the alma mater of the coolest women (and women-activists at that) in the music world! Watch the video of the Lilith’s Fair concert tour (circa 1997), if you want proof.=) (I could lend you mine, if you want.) And I’d just like to say that no matter how many versions of this song are released, I still maintain that Joni Mitchell’s version is the best!

3) KANLUNGAN by Noel Cabangon

For JVP volunteers, this is the ultimate nostalgia song. Never mind that it has been commercialized and associated with the golden arc and all that. For us, it’ll always be the song that will bring us back to those lovely months of simplicity, solidarity, self-discovery and growth.

4) BETTER DAYS by Dianne Reeves

This has been a favorite of mine since way back in high school/early college. It never fails to bring out that positive vibe that I need (that we all need) when things do not seem to be looking up or are taking too long to come into fruition.

5) GALILEO and HAMMER AND NAIL and CLOSER TO FINE by Indigo Girls
(Sorry, it’s so hard to choose just one IG song!)

My closest friends probably know how much I adore the Indigo Girls. I just love them! They’re real and edgy and socially relevant too. And among their songs, the aforementioned three are my all-time favorites, mainly because of the many statements they have about life. More than just giving me something to hum along with, these songs also provide me with something to ponder on, and something to aspire for.

Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (3 persons and why?)

1) Jolit, so as to force him to go public with his blog. Harhar. Come on out, Jolit!
2) HSK, because he’s such a music lover. Also, he actually believes that music loves him too. Hehe. Peace HSK!
3) Enzo, because I’d like to learn what types of music he likes. =)

I, too, had a whole lot of fun. I didn't get to spend so much time with this batch of students when I was with Pathways, so I’m truly glad for the opportunity to get to know them a little better as I assisted them “backstage” during the show. They, in fact, gave me a new role to play—that of a make-up artist! For someone who does not put on make-up, this is something quite new indeed.=) But surprisingly, I enjoyed painting their faces according to the characters they were supposed to play. I was so into it that the kids started joking that they'd “hire” me to be their make-up artist for their upcoming prom. Hahaha.

Who knows? I just might take up the offer.=)

And so, May8, Maits and I made our way to the “concert” venue, and eventually found our way queuing for the entrance. But looking around, we noticed something a bit odd about the whole scenario. First, for a “concert crowd,” the people standing in line were really, really quiet. Second, many of them were quite “mature-looking.” The whole thing was just the antithesis of what we expected, hence, prompting Maits to double check her ticket and ask around if we were in the right event.

Well, the good news was we were in the right event. The bad news was…we were in the right event! Hahaha. Bad news, because, to cut a long story short, it was not at all what we expected. After having to wait another 30 minutes for the program to start, and after coming up with several theories as to where the rest of the audience is, we later on discovered that the show is not actually an AKAFellas concert, but really a culminating activity for a class project! Hence, the “stars” of the show were the students of a particular class from a nearby school, and the AKAFellas were more of “bit players” in the program. At that point, we were thinking, “there’s goes our P150.00!”

It would not have been so bad if the lead female singer (who lost her voice during the show could have lipsynched the songs in a less obvious manner, or if the male lead singer did a little justice to Ryan Cayabyab’s composition, or if a few more variations had been added to the lead dancer’s moves, or if the voices of the members of the male singing group actually blended and harmonized, or if the sound technicians did not mess up the microphone amplification. But no! Unfortunately, all of the abovementioned things actually had to happen.

Poor students. They must have felt that they were biting more than they could chew. But in fairness to them, despite being (presumably) new to such an experience, it looks like they really tried their best. Moreover, they did not give up despite the many glitches and bloopers experienced throughout the show. Nevertheless, one cannot help but wish they could have prepared a little bit more, knowing that they are performing side by side a group of professional artists like the AKAFellas, whose solid performance only served to highlight the amateurish presentations of the students. Oh well. I guess life’s like that. You make mistakes, then you learn from them. Too bad these student performers had to commit their mistakes in front of all those people in the theater. Good thing that most of those in the audience were their family members and friends. At least that was one good thing that went well for them.

In the end, the AKAFellas only did about 5 songs. Quite disappointing, especially if you’re expecting to hear them sing the entire length of the two-hour show. Still, we did enjoy those 5 songs. I especially relished their rendition of the last one, “Seasons of Love” (from the Broadway musical Rent), which is one of my favorite songs ever. It was, indeed, the perfect consuelo de bobo (consolation) for a night of “desolation” and frustration. Hehehe.

Nevertheless, on our way home, Maits, May8 and I could not help but be bothered by how this particular Wednesday turned out not quite the way we expected it to be. It got even scarier when Maits and I looked back to two Wednesdays ago, when we went with Kangirl to Conspiracy to watch Noel C., only to find out he is in far-off Brazil. And guess who was singing in his place? No, not Joey A., not Gary G., not Cynthia Alexander. Instead, performing that night is Paolo S.! Arrgh. No offense to Paolo fans, but he just isn’t our type of performer. So, instead of paying P 150.00 for the entrance fee only to squirm on our seats, we chose to take off to Tapika, where MYMP was playing. Not exactly our type either, but for us, it was at least a little better than the other alternative.

Needless to say, Maits and Kangirl (who are true blue followers of Noel C.) really felt frustrated that night, so as to label it a “Loser Wednesday.” As for me, I did think we were unlucky then, but never really gave it further thought. Until this Wednesday, that is. When our plans got frustrated a second time around. On the third day of the week.

I am not a particularly superstitious person. But boy, it sure does bother me that my winner Wednesdays are fast becoming “loser” ones. Harhar. Deep down, however, I know that that will not happen as long as I’m in the presence of friends who I could laugh and nitpick with.=) To adapt the old adage, no Wednesday (or any day for that matter) could be too unlucky or boring for me, as long as I’m with good company.

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P.S. The moral(s) of the story: (1) Think twice before going out on a
Wednesday; and (2) If you want to see The AKAFellas perform, just catch them
at DISH. Mwahaha!

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Still riding on the crest of excitement brought about by The Amazing Race (TAR) 6 finals, I met with the some JVP friends last Wednesday night to discuss possible recreational activities for the upcoming Grand Reunion (GR) in Boracay. I, of course, suggested that we run our own version of the race—JVP style! The group (which is appropriately called the “GR Recreation and Break-out Groups” Committee, and headed by Maits) heartily approved of the activity. They even agreed that the race is a “must-do” during the GR. JVP, Boracay and The Amazing Race—a great combination, that one!

I, for one, am very excited about this “project”. I’ve always been interested in either joining TAR, or being part of the staff that conceptualizes and puts together such an “amazing” show (pun intended…hehe). But since I am not American, and am nowhere close to being a TV executive or even a member of the crew of any show (reality TV or not) in any country…I might as well put that aspiration aside. Harhar. Instead, I have to be realistic and make do with what I have where I am. For example, I (together with my co-workers in Pathways) used to create mini-versions of the race as part of training seminars and teambuilding activities for our student participants. Once, I even incorporated the “race” into the program of a friend’s bridal shower! Any excuse to do the race.=)

Now, I found another excuse—JVP and Boracay! This one's bound to be a bigger and better race, for sure. Can’t wait for the committee to draw up concrete plans for it. I even have possible Detours and Roadblocks listed out already. It doesn’t even matter that I won’t be in the GR to actually witness the race, since my good friend is getting married the same weekend and I’m part of her entourage. Somehow, “to go or not to go” (to the GR) is no longer an intrusive thought in my head, as it was a week ago. Funny, but the nagging question in my mind right now pertains to “who would fill in the role of Phil (the host)?” Of course, that person has to be someone that the contestants will all recognize and be so happy to see at the end of the race. Someone who looks credible even when wearing a Hawaiian shirt and spandex shorts. Someone who, without breaking into fits of laughter, could say to the winning team: “After 25 years, 600+ volunteers, and 250 communities…You’re Team No 1!” Perhaps someone like...Sir Tim? or Jo? or Fr. Mario? Hehehe. We'll see...we'll see.

That about sums up how I’ve been feeling these past two days. That’s ‘coz since Monday morning, I’ve been cooped up in my own little corner in our good ‘ole house, laboriously transcribing every single word from the focus group discussions (FGDs) that I have conducted in the past weeks for my masteral thesis. Not an easy task, mind you. One tape alone would take about two whole days to transcribe (if one is really O.C.. about it). Hence, I’ve been in front of the computer, with the tape recorder beside me, for hours on end! My fingers are stiff from typing, my eyes are getting watery from staring at my monitor, and my eardrums are whacked from having to listen to undecipherable conversation amidst very loud static! And to think I have about 8 more tapes to go! Whew. Talk about being a full-time graduate student.

Not that I have a right to complain about all this. I did chose to do this kind of research (i.e. qualitative) for my thesis. Also, I’d have to admit, the content of the FGDs are actually pretty interesting. So it’s not all that bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I’m quite glad that my thesis is finally taking off.=) It’s just that after two consecutive days of transcribing inside your room, you’d pretty much miss the “world outside” too. I’d never thought I’d say this, but I kinda miss walking under the warmth of the new year sun, eating greasy chicken and fries from those fastfood joints, admiring the guts of stubborn pedestrians crossing the avenue where it says “Bawal Tumawid: Nakakamatay,” and yes, even breathing the polluted Katipunan air. Harhar.

Not that the “out there” that I am talking about is elusive. Far from it! I’m bound to “go back to it” soon (like, tomorrow…haha.) But for now, this is where I am supposed to be—in front of my computer, beside my tape recorder, attempting to finish a 30+page transcript (albeit not that successfully). After all, this too, is part of the life that I’ve chosen for myself for the next few months.

Anyway, lest I forget, the quote came from the European film L'Auberge Espagnole (The Spanish Apartment), the video of which I rented a couple of days ago. I wasn’t going to do so, since it didn’t seem like an acclaimed film or something. But I felt like watching a foreign film that night, and I saw Audrey Tatou (Amelie, A Very Long Engagement) on the video case cover, so I decided to give it a try. Not that I’m a big Audrey Tatou fan, but it was just nice to recognize her from the list of cast members. In fact, I thought she was the star of the movie. I mean, if you saw a poster (or a video casing) of the film such as the one below, you’d think that too, wouldn’t you?

Audrey is right smack in the middle, isn’t she? And she got top billing too. But the funny thing is, she only appeared in the movie for a total of about 10-15 minutes (tops!). A cameo role, really. It was, undoubtedly a clever marketing ploy to get people to watch the film. Audrey is currently the hot thing in France (and I guess in all of Europe). Hence, it is not surprising that her role was played up a bit as a come-on for would-be viewers. Not that it’s bad or anything like that. I mean, if ABS-CBN can do it in this country, why not the “star builders” in France, right? Harhar. Kangirl and I, in fact, have a theory regarding Ms. Tatou and her producers. But that’s another story that deserves another blog entry.=)

Back to the film, it was actually surprisingly good, Tatou or no Tatou. It’s about a young man from France who goes to Spain for a year to study, lives with and learns from five other people of different nationalities, and then comes back home a different person. It is supposedly taglined as “where a year can change a lifetime.” (Hmmm…sounds very JVP. Hehe.). The way it was told was fresh, smart, warm, witty, and REAL. Its light manner, however, did not take away from its depth and insight. Plus, it’s set in Europe, which is the clincher for me. I find that part of the world just totally captivating. Such culture and history!

Another interesting thing about the film is that one of its cast members, Belgian actress Cecile De France (Around the World in 90 Days), looks sooo much like Kate Moennig (Young Americans, The L Word). What an uncanny resemblance—from the hair, to the facial expressions, to the slouch and manner of walking, down to the way of dressing! Also worth noting is that De France’s character Isabelle, in one passing scene, mentions that she babysits part-time (reminiscent of Moennig’s role in The Shipping News). Later on, she further reveals that she is lesbian (which reminds one of Moennig’s character Shane in The L Word). Harhar. That one cracked me up. Talk about coincidence. If you want to see what I'm talking about, take a look for yourself:

With that, I end my entry. It's a little bit anti-climactic, but what the heck.=) I already wrote more that I intended to anyway. Got a little carried away there. But just to make things clear, as the title of this post suggests, this is NOT a film critique. I’ll leave the responsibility of doing intelligent reviews to the experts. Getting to do the oohing, ahhing and, of course, the nitpicking is enough for me.=)

my turn to do this blog thingy, which was introduced by may8 to our circle. i know, it's so-last-month! but well, as they say, better late than later. haha.

Instructions:
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"We looked at each other in silence, watching her as the seconds passed."

~ from "Five Quarters of the Orange" by Joanne Harris