dual*ities

It amazes me how things can change in just a matter of days…or hours. Monday last week, I thought I had to wait until the end of that week before I could get hold of my thesis manuscript again. But then, just a few hours after my last post, I received word from my adviser that I could retrieve my manuscript for the final pre-defense revisions. Boy, was I pleasantly surprised! The best thing about it was that the revisions weren’t as major as I expected. In fact, whereas I thought my adviser and I did not have the same writing style, she said that my thesis was well-written. Whew! Huge sigh of relief there! Also, whereas I previously thought it’d take me a week to complete my revisions, I was able to do it overnight. By Tuesday, I showed my revised manuscript to my adviser and got her approval. By Wednesday, I submitted it to the Psychology Department, with all the requisite style and format according to APA standards. So yeah, right now, all I can do is sit and wait for our Department Chairperson’s 'go ahead' for my defense.

Except that these past few days, I haven’t really just been sitting and waiting. I figured that I could really use the break, so I’ve been kind of just enjoying my days, doing all the “nothing” I couldn’t do ever since the month began.

Mane idea. For one, I got myself a long-overdue haircut (which I said I would get right after Tintin and John’s wedding). Only, the haircut didn’t turn out as I envisioned it to be. The style is too layered, which isn’t very suitable for my hair type. It just makes my hair fly away at the back, and is thus, unmanageable. Since my purpose for cutting my hair is to keep it “low maintenance,” that just won’t work for me. So, I’m actually thinking of getting another haircut—a really short one, similar to my “do” four or five years ago. But I don’t know which salon to go to now, since all the salons I’ve been going to in the past years have either closed down, or have lost my trust when it comes to executing the look that I want for my hair. So I kinda have to re-evaluate which salon is worth going to. So maybe, I’ll wait for a few more days before I get that follow-up haircut. Or maybe not.

UAAP fever. The latter part of last week also saw me watching two UAAP games live (one of which, incidentally, landed both Maita and me on TV again...harhar). I must say, I’m getting “high” on collegiate basketball again. And that’s not just because Ateneo is on a winning streak after a really bad start this season, but more so because they are, now more than ever, playing as a team. Their success so far is not just due to the efforts of the Ateneo Five’s touted stars, but due to the improved performance of the second-stringers as well. More than talent, it is the team’s collective effort that’s making them win games this season, and which makes supporters like me want to come back for more. In fact, after last Saturday’s win against UE (one of the really strong contenders this year), Maits, Carmen, Reg and I—all die-hard Blue Eagle supporters—vowed to attend all the remaining ADMU games and cheer our hearts out. Call us groupies, I don’t care. This is one of the very few instances that I wouldn’t mind being called that. Because it’s true.:)

Family day. To cap the week, I spent the entire day yesterday with family. We attended the 1^st birthday celebration of a family friend’s kid in Intramuros. Then, my mom, my cousin Rona and I spent the rest of the afternoon in Greenhills, shopping for pasalubongs for Rona’s family in the US. I must say that shopping (and in a crowded tiangge at that) isn’t my kind of thing. But I did survive it. I guess the company made it worth while.:)

Aside from these, there were other developments that I found worth cheering about:

Immersion into the Filipino way of life. I am so happy for my cousin Rona who spent the past two months learning about Philippine history and culture through the Tagalog On-Site (TOS) Program. Not only did she come back with a better grasp of Tagalog, but she now has a new-found appreciation of her Filipino heritage. She also got to visit different places (i.e. Banaue, Sagada, Zambales, Olongapo, Subic, Pampanga, Laguna, Banahaw, Batangas), and met all sorts of people (i.e. Filipino scholars/academicians, journalists, Ifugaos, T’bolis, Aetas, abused children, women prostitutes, NPAs). On top of that, she seems to have immensely enjoyed herself as well. I’m glad she’ll have so much of the Philippines to take back with her to the US.:)

Debut single. Jay was finally able to release his very own composition (“Ikaw Forever”) through Brownman Revival’s new album “Steady Lang.” I’d have to admit that while Dino (the lead singer of the band) is my friend, and while I enjoy Brownman’s music, I bought their album primarily 'coz of Jay’s request. I kinda have to because I’m sort of privy to the history behind the song. Hehe. But anyway, the album turned out to be really good. It has, in fact, never left my CD rotation in the past two weeks. I hope people will buy it as well.:)

Hope for RP. In these times of socio-political and economic turmoil, it is sooo heartening to hear positive news about our country. Here’s one: The Philippine Coconet Project makes it as one of the finalists of BBC's and Newsweek's The World Challenge. Vote now and spread the word!

With all these things that have been holding my interest lately, how could I just sit and wait? Rather than waiting in suspended animation, I feel more like cheering and jumping for joy for all these people and groups around me who are doing well in their own little endeavors. Who knows? Some of their good fortune might rub off on me too, such that when my waiting time is over, the outcome of my efforts would be something that I’d be able to cheer about as well.

I’m already there, but not yet.

I’ve already submitted my thesis manuscript to my adviser early last week. But I have yet to receive it back for revisions, which would then entitle me to finally defend it.

I’ve already served out my term as corporate secretary of JVPFI, with last Saturday’s 12-hour Board meeting, and yesterday’s General Assembly. But I have yet to finish the minutes of both functions and turn over all the documents to my successor.

I can already afford to rest my mind and body. But not so much that I couldn’t bring my projects to completion.

I’m already standing in front of the finish line.

But I have yet to cross it.

Instead, I'm crossing my fingers that I can finally break through to the side of fulfillment and completion.

Soon.

I finally got myself a new look, a new name, and a new home! For my blog, that is.:) Well, “the look” is not that new actually, since the template is more than a week old. (I just never got around to explaining it. ü) But I’ve actually been meaning to make the switch since a couple of months ago. To borrow Anj's words (from her old site), my old blog didn’t “feel like me” anymore. Or maybe I’ve just gotten tired of it. The template was too dull, the url was a little too melodramatic, etcetera, etcetera. The incongruence wasn’t so much in terms of content and substance, since every post did capture a piece of me at a certain moment in time. But sometimes, the overt elements of interaction (in this case, the blog template, the blog name, the url) via this medium does affect the message that one puts across. We are embodied spirits after all.ü

Hence, just as I’m becoming more comfortable in my own skin (as I mentioned in my previous post), I thought It’d be cool if I became more comfortable with my “blog skin” as well. Hehehe. And since I’ve always been fascinated with dichotomies and two-fold realties (and how these realities need not contradict, but should complement each other instead), I’ve decided to go by what you now see in this blog. (Just for the record, I was playing around with "x&y" in my head even before I heard of Coldplay's latest album. I love Coldplay, but the "x&y" thingy was more of a Psych stat influence, more than anything.ü) I brought in my old entries too, just so I can see the continuity of things. So there you go, another duality: the merging of the old and the new. Same substance, different form. My blog.

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After my self-imposed semi-hiatus from the internet last week, I finally finished reading a week’s worth of emails last night. A lot if it made for heavy reading, what with the current crisis in the socio-political scene and all. But there were light ones too that balanced it all out. This one’s my favorite:

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. (Note: Try to do it as you read each line.)

Uncanny huh? But really cool too! Now I have something new to practice when I need to rest my mind and develop my psychomotor skills instead.ü

One hundred fifty-two million, four hundred twenty-four thousand minutes. That’s how much time I’ve spent on earth entering into yesterday. Hmm, those figures make me sound like I’m really ancient. Which I probably am. Curiously, however, I don’t feel ancient at all. When I look in the mirror, I’m even surprised to see that my reflection has changed—that creases have started appearing on my forehead and that the dark circles under my eyes never seem to disappear anymore. Because on the inside, I somehow feel younger. Or maybe not younger exactly, but…more comfortable in my own skin. I am able to take myself less seriously, and in the process, seize what each day has to offer.

In a strange way, I guess I do feel that I’ve gotten both older and younger this past decade. Older, because I’d acquainted myself with the so-called “real world,” had my share of setbacks and small victories, and somehow grew and learned from those experiences. Younger, because I realize, now more than ever, that in the face of knowledge, I do not (and won’t ever) know everything. Hence, there is more learning to do, and a lot more discoveries to make. Life is bound to take me to other uncharted regions, and I’m definitely in for the ride!

Anyway, friends have been asking me how I plan to celebrate this “milestone” in my life. I had to tell them that I didn’t really plan anything for my 30^th birthday. That’s how it has always been for me. As much as I like planning other people’s birthday parties, I don’t make fixed plans for my own birthday. Not that I don’t celebrate life. I so do! But I also believe that there are other ways of celebrating life than holding birthday gatherings and all that. I’ve always preferred my birthday to be as quiet as possible. It’s enough that I make a fuss about planning (and trying to stick to the plan) 354 days a year. Add to this the fact that my birthday almost always follows the frenzy and merriment of the St. Ignatius Feast Day Celebration and the JVP General Assembly, allowing me to spend time with a lot of the people who I want to celebrate life with in the first place. So come August 1, all that’s left for me to do is relax, reflect, and just go with the flow.:)

Yesterday, the flow was initially taking me to the direction of the Results section of my thesis. After all, I do have to submit the edited version of Chapters 1-3 of my manuscript to my adviser on Friday. I rationalized that I had my share of “rest and recreation” in the past days anyway. On Saturday, I gave in to watching the UAAP game between ADMU and UP, when I should be doing my thesis instead. Even if I caught it only on TV, the game excited me so much that it totally killed whatever drive I had to finish a certain section of my manuscript before the week ended. Then on Sunday, I attended the lovely, lovely wedding of my dear friends, Tintin and John (which I’ll write more about in another post). Some of my best friends were there too, and the day I spent with them (driving to Tagaytay, braving the rain, dressing up in public bathrooms, panicking together, going to mass together, eating together, laughing together) is exactly what I would characterize as the “perfect framily day”. (This despite the pouring rain…but maybe minus the formal attire. Hehe.) So yes, with all the excitement of the weekend, I didn’t mind getting back to work on my birthday.

But then, between the influx of text messages and phone calls, I have never actually gotten into focusing on my manuscript. Which was fine, because at least I got to touch base with more friends, some of whom I haven’t heard from in a long time. I was especially surprised when, upon answering a call, I heard Whel’s voice on the other end of the line. She sounded really happy and all settled now in the UK with her beautiful family. I could even hear adorable little Ceira’s voice in the background! That really, really, REALLY made my day.:)

And then, the torrential rains came. Lighting struck, and the power came out. At 6pm or so, darkness descended upon Xavierville Ave., and candles were lit. I wish I could say they were the kind that one can wish upon, since I didn’t have candles on my cake this year. But nope, that is not quite the case.

Just when I was about to resign myself to getting used to the darkness, Alex came in for a surprise visit! She was, as usual, her sunshiny self, and her presence definitely brightened up our house in a way that not even a hundred candles could. She brought me Cello’s donuts too, and stayed a while for a chat. Thanks soooo much Alex! That was so sweet and thoughtful of you.:)

Anyway, when Alex left, I was back again into contemplating what I should do in the midst of the darkness. Then I decided to finally read Bob Ong’s Alamat ng Gubat, which I originally intended to read a few weeks ago while waiting for my turn to meet Neil Gaiman, but which had since been forgotten. It was a very thin book, so I was done with it in no time. After that, I started reading another book which I wasn’t in the mood for. Before long, I switched to just doing all the “nothing” I could think of doing in the dark (i.e. play with candles, fiddle with my digicam, test which batteries are still working). And by then, I was beginning to identify with Ulang, the lobster character in Bob Ong’s story who admitted that doing nothing could actually tire one out (“nakakapagod gumawa ng wala”). By 11pm, I gave up and tried to go to bed. And eventually, I gave in to somnolent oblivion. So yes, on my birthday, I did something I don’t usually do. I slept waaay earlier than my usual bedtime. Mwahaha!

At 1:30am, the power came back on, and I was immediately awake. By then, I was too out of sorts to do anything but watch Fear Factor on TV. And so, that was how the first day of my thirtieth year ended—that is, with me watching a bunch of people eating hamburger worms and crossing shifting planks on mid-air. And yet, all I could think of was: It has been a fine day, brown-out and all. And somehow, I know that it is going to be a fine year as well.

Having said that, I’d like to end this post with a song that speaks volumes about where I am (or where I’d like to be) at this point in my life:

Closer to Fine
by Indigo Girls

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

Chorus:
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see a doctor o f Philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knees
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

[Chorus]
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I've been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

[Chorus]

We go to the Bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the look out
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine.