LIGHT. SHADE. AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.
Every year, from the time when I attended my first five-day Holy Week retreat way back in my sophomore year in college, it has become sort of a tradition for me to embark on a yearly retreat or recollection in observance of Lent. It was not a conscious decision on my part to make it into an annual practice. It just sort of happened that way. This year, however, I am breaking tradition. And yes, it was conscious choice on my part. Until two weeks ago, I was contemplating on attending the Triduum Retreat for ADMU Alumni—the same one that I’ve been attending for the past three years. However, after much thought, I decided not to push through with it. No, I do not have any dramatic reasons for not going. (I wish. Hehe.) My main reason actually had to do with the practical side of it all. By "practical", I mean that by not going on retreat, I could: 1) work on unfinished tasks during the Lenten break, and; 2) save up the money that I would have allotted for the retreat fee. Moreover, I figured that I could just go back to the prayer points I have acquired from the retreats that I’ve been to in the past years, and go through them by myself. After all, self-directed retreats are not very uncommon these days.
And so, using the prayer points from the most recent Triduum retreats I have attended, I went on with my self-directed pseudo-retreat beginning yesterday, Holy Thursday. Since originally, the said retreats ran from 8:00 a.m.-12:00 n.n. (for three days), I decided to go with the half-day schedule as well for my present retreat. So yeah, these days, I am usually in a reflective mood in the morning, then back to my preoccupation with my thesis work in the afternoon. Works for me. I’m getting the best of both worlds. (Or so I thought.)
The problem with undergoing a self-directed retreat, however, is that one could so easily fall into distraction, especially when one does it in one’s own room where everything—the computer, the phone, the bed—is accessible. Even as I reflected, I was letting the “things that I was supposed to do after my prayer period” bother me and get the best of me. The result? Muddled thoughts and half-hearted forays into the Passion story. Which, I guess, defeats the purpose of going through the pseudo-retreat in the first place.
To go on retreat is to step back—from our busy words and our scheduled lives—in order for us to look into ourselves and where we are standing at present. And I guess, as long as my mind is engaged in many things, I will not be able to give my full attention to that which I should be tuning in these days.
Well, the good news is, it’s not yet over. I still have time to step back, in order for me to move forward. And for me, "moving forward" means moving from merely letting myself go through the Passion story, to letting the Passion story go through me. I believe that the latter is what the whole Lenten season should be about.
