dual*ities

One hundred fifty-two million, four hundred twenty-four thousand minutes. That’s how much time I’ve spent on earth entering into yesterday. Hmm, those figures make me sound like I’m really ancient. Which I probably am. Curiously, however, I don’t feel ancient at all. When I look in the mirror, I’m even surprised to see that my reflection has changed—that creases have started appearing on my forehead and that the dark circles under my eyes never seem to disappear anymore. Because on the inside, I somehow feel younger. Or maybe not younger exactly, but…more comfortable in my own skin. I am able to take myself less seriously, and in the process, seize what each day has to offer.

In a strange way, I guess I do feel that I’ve gotten both older and younger this past decade. Older, because I’d acquainted myself with the so-called “real world,” had my share of setbacks and small victories, and somehow grew and learned from those experiences. Younger, because I realize, now more than ever, that in the face of knowledge, I do not (and won’t ever) know everything. Hence, there is more learning to do, and a lot more discoveries to make. Life is bound to take me to other uncharted regions, and I’m definitely in for the ride!

Anyway, friends have been asking me how I plan to celebrate this “milestone” in my life. I had to tell them that I didn’t really plan anything for my 30^th birthday. That’s how it has always been for me. As much as I like planning other people’s birthday parties, I don’t make fixed plans for my own birthday. Not that I don’t celebrate life. I so do! But I also believe that there are other ways of celebrating life than holding birthday gatherings and all that. I’ve always preferred my birthday to be as quiet as possible. It’s enough that I make a fuss about planning (and trying to stick to the plan) 354 days a year. Add to this the fact that my birthday almost always follows the frenzy and merriment of the St. Ignatius Feast Day Celebration and the JVP General Assembly, allowing me to spend time with a lot of the people who I want to celebrate life with in the first place. So come August 1, all that’s left for me to do is relax, reflect, and just go with the flow.:)

Yesterday, the flow was initially taking me to the direction of the Results section of my thesis. After all, I do have to submit the edited version of Chapters 1-3 of my manuscript to my adviser on Friday. I rationalized that I had my share of “rest and recreation” in the past days anyway. On Saturday, I gave in to watching the UAAP game between ADMU and UP, when I should be doing my thesis instead. Even if I caught it only on TV, the game excited me so much that it totally killed whatever drive I had to finish a certain section of my manuscript before the week ended. Then on Sunday, I attended the lovely, lovely wedding of my dear friends, Tintin and John (which I’ll write more about in another post). Some of my best friends were there too, and the day I spent with them (driving to Tagaytay, braving the rain, dressing up in public bathrooms, panicking together, going to mass together, eating together, laughing together) is exactly what I would characterize as the “perfect framily day”. (This despite the pouring rain…but maybe minus the formal attire. Hehe.) So yes, with all the excitement of the weekend, I didn’t mind getting back to work on my birthday.

But then, between the influx of text messages and phone calls, I have never actually gotten into focusing on my manuscript. Which was fine, because at least I got to touch base with more friends, some of whom I haven’t heard from in a long time. I was especially surprised when, upon answering a call, I heard Whel’s voice on the other end of the line. She sounded really happy and all settled now in the UK with her beautiful family. I could even hear adorable little Ceira’s voice in the background! That really, really, REALLY made my day.:)

And then, the torrential rains came. Lighting struck, and the power came out. At 6pm or so, darkness descended upon Xavierville Ave., and candles were lit. I wish I could say they were the kind that one can wish upon, since I didn’t have candles on my cake this year. But nope, that is not quite the case.

Just when I was about to resign myself to getting used to the darkness, Alex came in for a surprise visit! She was, as usual, her sunshiny self, and her presence definitely brightened up our house in a way that not even a hundred candles could. She brought me Cello’s donuts too, and stayed a while for a chat. Thanks soooo much Alex! That was so sweet and thoughtful of you.:)

Anyway, when Alex left, I was back again into contemplating what I should do in the midst of the darkness. Then I decided to finally read Bob Ong’s Alamat ng Gubat, which I originally intended to read a few weeks ago while waiting for my turn to meet Neil Gaiman, but which had since been forgotten. It was a very thin book, so I was done with it in no time. After that, I started reading another book which I wasn’t in the mood for. Before long, I switched to just doing all the “nothing” I could think of doing in the dark (i.e. play with candles, fiddle with my digicam, test which batteries are still working). And by then, I was beginning to identify with Ulang, the lobster character in Bob Ong’s story who admitted that doing nothing could actually tire one out (“nakakapagod gumawa ng wala”). By 11pm, I gave up and tried to go to bed. And eventually, I gave in to somnolent oblivion. So yes, on my birthday, I did something I don’t usually do. I slept waaay earlier than my usual bedtime. Mwahaha!

At 1:30am, the power came back on, and I was immediately awake. By then, I was too out of sorts to do anything but watch Fear Factor on TV. And so, that was how the first day of my thirtieth year ended—that is, with me watching a bunch of people eating hamburger worms and crossing shifting planks on mid-air. And yet, all I could think of was: It has been a fine day, brown-out and all. And somehow, I know that it is going to be a fine year as well.

Having said that, I’d like to end this post with a song that speaks volumes about where I am (or where I’d like to be) at this point in my life:

Closer to Fine
by Indigo Girls

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

Chorus:
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see a doctor o f Philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knees
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

[Chorus]
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I've been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

[Chorus]

We go to the Bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the look out
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine.